SO ME AND DEATH
You know, dying, which is what
I’m doing but we all are in our less
and more obvious ways
Death
2000 in India due to a heat wave
and what the fuck are you
complaining about?
We never would if we always had
to measure our death against
the deaths of the world
I guess the real question is asking
anyone to care
Well, I want my loved ones
to care
Yeah big revo there
and anyone else who wants to
would be a blessing
So me, and death
Not dying
The final blow of darkness
I’ve never thought about it much
My philosophy was always
in universe building stuff
All the grand stuff
but death
Never thought about it
in the same detail I waged
in my purpose of the universe
Questions I orbited about
in high school
Never acknowledged it
more than a vague big end
Heaven?
Yeah, that’s something
I couldn’t accept
in so many ways
The Christian heaven—
our souls living as our bodies
or individual egos
So then you get reincarnation
and that was never a comfort
Always wanted that I survive
and you get obliviated
Same as if nothing was
waiting for you
Plus you don’t get to jump out
of the system as you do
with pure nothing though again
it’s not like you’re going to
recognize the moment
Damnit! Infant enthroned
Ego enthroned
That’s what I’ve always wanted
That it isn’t matter,
it’s my intellection
That creation at primary
is intellection
That’s what the writing has always
been about, so you can’t think
about death then
Gives the lie to all that
I mean I would have to believe
I don’t know what to believe,
but when I think about it
too much, I get scared
Right now I’m just writing about it
because it’s also doing a poor job
of hiding behind every third corner
of my thoughts, like it’s wearing
a London Fog coat and sunglasses
How long do I really have?
—James Luke Stilwell (1968-2015)
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